my doctor's appointment
Well, I saw Dr. Young today (my ob/gyn) and told him about my concerns regarding my stomach pains. The reason why I went to see Dr. Young instead of Dr. Goodman (my oncologist) was because I was due for a follow up from the surgery -so figured I'd take it up with Dr. Young so I wouldn't have to make two appointments. I guess this is why it would be good to have a gynocological oncologist. Dr. Young checked me over, he said he doesn't see anything wrong. He had me take another ca125 blood test just to see where my cancer marker is at (last tested it was at 5,which is GREAT). He told me if my stomach doesn't feel any better in another 2 weeks to call him back, then he'll schedule me for a ct scan. He also mentioned that these pains could be from scar tissues, in that case... not much he can do. =(
I'll get the results of the blood test next week.... .
So much emotions... what do i do?
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've got so many things running through my mind right now. I don't know how to deal with them. I feel so emotional. I broke down and cried yesterday. I'm not a crier. I didn't even cry when I was told I had cancer. Are my hormones all out of wack? I spoke to my sister yesterday and she reminded me that I don't have to be strong all the time. I don't even know why I'm crying. I'm trying to figure it out.. but the more I think about it .. the more I want to cry. *confused*
Is this what happens to people with surgical menopause? I heard that you get mood swings and stuff like that. Lately, little things are irritating me. I don't know if its surgery/cancer/chemo or it's just me? Stuff that I had been able deal with and blow off before... it's eating at me now. I think I'm stressing myself out.
Recently I found out that someone I was close to at one time took his own life 10months ago. I'm not sure why I can't seem to fully process this? Maybe what's making this hard is that his wife told me that a few weeks before his death, he mentioned me. Why is it lingering around in my mind? I know it wasn't my fault.. or even have anything to do with it. But why does it feel like it's weighing my heart down? I haven't experienced many close deaths in my life. two that I can remember.. a friend who was murdered by Jeffery Damher. and one last year, she wasn't that close to me, (but very close to my friends and family).. her death was a car jacking gone wrong.So what I'm feeling is probably normal.... just a process of grief?
Right now, I'm also scared of my cancer coming back. The reason I'm having doubts is because I've been feeling some symptoms coming back. Mainly the tightness in my stomach. I can't tell if its just something I ate... or something serious. I made an appointment to have it looked at tomorrow. *wish me luck*What I want to know is, if you other OVCA ladies out there have experienced the same thing?I'm not even sure how to begin talking to anyone about all of this. Maybe this is why I'm writing it. One way of releasing it..... but it doesn't give me answers.
The countdown has begun
4 more days until I return to work. Wow... I can't believe it's that time already. When I return to work, it'll be like starting a new job again. Plus just about half of the employees have quit since I've been gone, so there's a whole bunch of new people I don't know. I've been on medical leave for about 7 months now. I've gotten used to not working. Alot of people are asking if I'm ready for this. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I guess we'll just have to find out. I just want my life to be normal again. 7 weeks after chemo, this is where I'm at:Bad stuff:
- numb fingertips and toes
- most numbness in right hand
- nail discoloration and ripples along nails
- stiff muscles = worst in the mornings, mainly in legs
- eye lashes and eye brows seem to still fall out
- eyes can't focus at times
- still waking up in the middle of the night -night sweats, needing to pee
- hot flashes still bother me, but not as bad as before, but it does drain the energy out of me for a bit -i'll feel light headed and dizzy for a short time
Good stuff: - some fuzz growing back: arms, knuckles, pubic, head (the only hair I want back is the hair on my head. I could care less for the rest -you women know what i'm talking about- )
- able to walk up stairs with less pain
- taste buds are back!! I can eat again!
- sleeping almost through the night (used to wake up atleast 3 times a night, now just once or twice)
my aching back
On Saturday, I went to a women health fair in walnut creek. I went there to help out manning the
NOCC (National Ovarian Cancer Coalition) table. It was a good experience for me. I was able to talk to alot of women about ovarian cancer and my experiences with it. All of the women were surprised that I was so young. But I told them that I've met younger and that it seems like ovarian cancer is no longer just for old women. I'm looking forward to doing something like that again.
While I was there at the health fair, I got a free spinal check. I've been having back pain for quite sometime now (maybe since highschool). So I figured, since I'm trying to be intuned to my body, I should get my back check out to see why my back is hurting so much. Plus it's FREE. and I like free. It turns out my spine is off pretty bad. I learned that chiropractic can help with immune system, blood flow, and get rid of this pain in my neck and shoulders. Well, my health insurance doesn't cover chiropractic. But I found out that there is this chiropractic college here in Hayward (
Life Chiropractic College West). Someone told me that if there's a school, there's gotta be a need for "models" for the students to practice on (like a beauty school needs hair models). So I went to their website to try to find some information on this. This school actually has a health center right inside the college. They call it a learning facility. Kinda reminds me of House MD. I called them and had my first exam today. What happens is, I'm assigned an intern who will be my primary care, and he'll consult with the real doctors there about my case. This is so much cheaper than going to a real office. Plus there's more than one person taking care of me.
I'm actually excited about this. I'm finally going to get rid of this pain in my neck! And it should increase my recovery time.
My new wig
Last week I posted about how expensive wigs were. I went to this seminar on "how to live with Ovarian Cancer" at the Wellness Community last friday. I met someone who told me that there are a bunch of salons that work with ACS (American Cancer Society) and sell wigs for very cheap (under $80) or if you get a wig from ACS they will fix it/restyle it for free. So I call up ACS and spoke to a very nice woman (Pam) who gave me a list of salons in my area. See, back when I was losing my hair, I called ACS and ended up speaking the the wrong people. Not so helpful/rude people. They couldn't tell me where I could find wig banks in my area. Then I was redirected to someone else, who didn't get back to me until 3 weeks later. (I wish I had spoken to Pam back then.) I was so frustrated. That's why I settled and ended up going to Anita's which charged me up the ass for just ONE wig ($280). Well thanks to Pam, I found a place here in Fremont that really works with you and cancer patients (Almost Hair Unlimited). The woman that worked on my hair (Lindsey) was so nice. I went there hoping they could fix a wig I got from ACS. She was going to work on the wig, but then sugguested I go with human hair. I mentioned to her that I was told human hair was very expensive ($800+). She told me that's true but since they are with ACS, they give discounts to cancer patients. Now that's that I want to hear! She showed me a few wigs and I found one that I liked. But to make this wig even better... not only was it human hair, but it was FREE!! She told me that they were a wig bank, so they receive donated wigs and all donated wigs are free to cancer patients. All she charged me for was the shampooing and hair cut, which was only $15. At Anita's that stylist (Mark Wise) didn't even sugguest anything. I was alone and nervous... and he didn't even seem to want to help me. Still he charged me full price. I told Pam at ACS that they should look into Anita's.. because they were listed as "discounted wigs". I suppose compaired to $800... but I found out the hard way that there ARE salons out there who REALLY work with ACS. I told Lindsey about Anita's and she said that was pretty ridiculous that they are part of ACS and charge so much for their services. So, for anyone in the Bay Area who's going through chemo or knows anyone who has cancer and needs a great and an affordable wig, call up Almost Hair Unlimited(510) 713-9447
This is the wig I got for FREE. Human hair -or Chinese human hair as the stylist called it. Why's it gotta be Chinese? =)It's black with red high lights. It looks mainly red here, but i think it's the tint in the picture. It's really cute. It's more "me" than the other wig. It's funny, I like this wig, which was free, more than the wig I paid $280 for ( it's synthetic). I want my money back! Well, it was my co-workers combined money... but still.
Here is the first wig I bought. Plain black synthetic hair. I think I chose this one because I wanted to play it safe. I was alone and the guy wasn't trying to help me out. He was an old man, so I guess I shouldn't expect him to understand that I'm not old and I wanted a hair style that makes me look young (not an old lady as his normal clients).
*sigh* This is when I had hair... you know, back then I used to complain about my hair... how I didn't like it, it was too thick... now, I take it all back!!
I know, it'll grow back..blah blah blah. you don't realize how important your hair is until you lose it. I'm sure those of you who's gone through chemo, or lost their hair from other health issues know what I mean. It's one thing to cut your hair or shave your head because you wanted to. But when there's nothing you can do to stop it from falling out, that's hard to deal with at times. I'm getting so sick of covering my head with stuff (bandanas, hats, wigs). But I'm not ready to go camando just yet. I tried the other day... made it to the mall enterance and chickened out. My head is pretty bald... like you can see my scalp and maybe 20 stubble hairs on the top of my head. Maybe when more hair starts to grow back, I'll be able to do it.
I was at the mall the other day, I was wearing my bandana... and some guy working at the food court (maybe late teens, early 20s) asked if I was a skater chick. I thought that was pretty funny.
Dancing with dolphins
This is my favorite dolphin picture. I got to dance with this dolphin. Dolphins are so intelligent. They have their own personalities and they take commands so well. They remind me of dogs. They get happy when they see their trainers. They love the attention. Wish I had a dolphin as a pet.
why are wigs so expensive??
Why do they gotta make wigs so expensive??? I went out to a wig shop today, hoping to get another wig. (I'm going clubbing this weekend and my current wig just isn't...clubbish). Although these wigs I saw today cost half of what I paid for my first one... $150 is still way expensive for fake hair (image how much I paid for my first wig)! It's not like I chose to be bald. Why can't they have a seperate price for people who had no say on their hair falling out. It's bad enough that I have cancer and every hair on my body fell off, and to top it off -I'm not working. How does one afford such a thing? I know, I heard you can get it written off on your taxes, or get reimburssed by your insurance. But that's just so complicated. I want a discount NOW. You know, the first salon I went to for my first wig, I heard about this guy at this salon in Livermore (Anita's) who's been working with cancer patients for like years. Being that he works with cancer patients, I thought there'd be a special discount for us. I was wrong. I went in there with a few hundred dollars thinking I'll be coming home with a few differnt styles. Came out with just one wig and a big hole in my pocket. I didn't even have enough money after to buy this scalp shampoo I like (Nioxin). I did get a free one from the Amer. Cancer Society before my hair fell out... I don't know if you've ever seen the wigs they have... they were not meant for anyone under 40 yrs old. I did find one with an auburn color but when I wear it, it looks like I just woke up (bed head) -not cool.
OH, and while I was at the salon, I walked around looking at wigs for a good 20mins, waiting for someone to help me. Instead they were with 2 other customers who had hair! they didn't even acknowlege me in the store. I just walked out.
for all of this, I draw on my angry eyebrows.
Still learning
Bear with me. You'll see some changes happening to my page. I'm still trying to figure out how to use this site. adding images is still a mystery to me. I figured out how to use Hello, but i'm thinking there's gotta be a better way to insert pictures. I'm seeing it in other people's bloggs.
I just realized that my comment setting was set so that only blogger memebers were the only ones that could leave comments. I changed that setting so that everyone can leave comments (that was one thing that my other page lacked). I don't want people to have to sign up just to enjoy my page. I know I wouldn't.
If anyone has tips on how to use blogger.com, please share!
The perfect way to end a day. La Jolla, CA 9-11-05
Here I am kissing a dolphin at Sea World 9-11-05
Another beautiful day
Today was just perfect. I got to swim with dolphins!! Gerry and I went back to Sea World today. (we bought a delux ticket the last time we went, which gave us another day to come back for free). It was SO worth the money. Dolphins are so intelligent. I got to hug and kiss the dolphin. =) it was so GREAT! I even learned a few hand signals for the dolphin to do some tricks. I think I had a big smile throughout the whole thing. =D The weather was perfect as usual. Sunny, 74 degrees, with no clouds in site. The water wasn't so bad either. It was cold for the first 3 minutes, then the wet suite kicked in and the water seemed pretty warm. After SeaWorld, we drove out to La Jolla. We got dinner to go, found a spot along the coast and watched the sunset. Breath taking! I got great pictures. When I get home, I'll get all the pictures from San Diego posted. Probably on Yahoo! photos. We drove down to the border yesterday. It was so cool. hehehe yeah, I find it fasinating to be near the Mexico border. You know, there's a great outlet mall right along the border! I don't have a passport, so I can't go across the border. One day I will. Well, maybe not to Tijuana. I heard some crazy stories about that city. We're going to head back down there again tomorrow before we return the car. This is our last night here. We're going back to the Bay tomorrow. It's been 5days already. We did alot here in San Diego. As much as I love this city... I miss Snowball so much!
My first post
Ok, my other journal has taken it's beating. It was getting too many hits and it's shutting down each day. So here I am at a "real" blogging site. I guess I should have started this earlier.
check out my original journal at: http://www.geocities.com/imma_princess/ovca.html
It's 9:30am, sitting at the Ramada Limited Sea World in sunny San Diego. My vacation is going well. My legs took a beating yeterday after a day at Sea World. Today we're heading out to Seaport Village, Balboa Park and driving down to the border. It's cloudy today, but the temperature is still nice.
Well it looks like it's time to head out again. Just wanted to add my first post before I leave. I'll try to add pictures as soon as I can figure out how this works.
