My life after chemo

5 years and still counting!

2010-09-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

5 yrs.. and still cancer free!!

long time no see

2009-10-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

wow.. my last blog was in 2007.. well, i'm still here!
I just had another check up with the gyn oncologist and everything is still going well. CA125 is 9, same as last year. Gerry & I are moving tomorrow! I'm so excited. I LOVE LOFTS!

long time

2007-08-27T21:17:00.001-07:00

wow... i haven't blogged in a while! i'm still alive!

its still snowing!

2007-04-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it... it's the second week of April... and it's STILL snowing!

Milwaukee, I'm coming home

2006-12-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

After 8 years of living in California... I'm moving back to Milwaukee, WI. Since cancer, I just want to be closer to family. Although I will miss my brother and his family in Stockton dearly. It's been 1 year and 9 months since the dreaded day and still cancer free!

can I see some ID?

2006-10-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

The funniest thing happened to me over the weekend....I don't know if I should be happy or offended. I got carded for buying a lottery ticket! Do I really look under 18? I know there are signs at stores for buying alcohol that says.."If you look under 25, you will be asked to show ID"... or is that for tobacco too. But a lottery ticket? Wonder what he thought when he saw my DOB was 1976. I'm sure people think I have a fake ID when they look at my drivers license. The picture still shows me with long hair. Bouncers at the clubs will look twice at me and my ID because my hair is still short. Some people will ask why I cut my hair so short. Sometimes I just want to say "It's not like I wanted to have cancer" just to see the look on their face.

a sucker for crying kittens

2006-09-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm such a sucker for crying kittens. I took another one home thursday night. I got home late that night from work. As I was getting my stuff out of the truck, I hear this cry. I turn around to look where it's coming from. I see this tiny kitten walking towards me from underneath a car crying. It came straight up to me and looked at me with his big eyes. I just feel in love all over again. He hopped into my truck. I just had to take him in. (That's how I got snowball).
Well, I took him upstairs wondering how Snowball would react to another cat. OoOoh, she did not like having another cat in the house. They were hissing at eachother. Well, Snowball started it. So I put the new kitten (Pepper) in the bathroom. He is such an affectionate kitten. He just wanted to be held. When I'd leave the bathroom, you could see his little paws sticking out from underneath the door. Snowball kept a close eye on that door the entire night. Everytime she saw these little paws from underneath the door, she'd hiss and jump at the door. I brought some of Snowball's old toys into the bathroom for Pepper to play with. It was so cute seeing him tackle this little ball. *sigh* i wanted to keep him so bad. but I realized I couldn't keep him... not right now. our place isn't big enough and I don't have enough time get Snowball adjusted to Pepper. The next morning (yesterday) I figured I'd have to take him to the Animal Shelter. He needed a good home. I couldn't put him back on the streets. While I was waiting in line at the shelter, there was this couple behind me. I had Pepper wrapped up like a baby with his head just sticking out. He was scared because there were dogs in line. The couple looked at Pepper and commented on how cute he was. I turned around... and said..."Do you want him?" and just like that, I handed Pepper over to them and asked them to take good care of him.

=( I only had him for a night... but I got attached to him.

colonoscopy

2006-08-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well... I had my first colonoscopy yesterday. i NEVER want to do that again. I'm hoping to never have to do that again. I thought the first colon flush last year for my surgery was bad. I don't know... this time around was horrible! After awhile, I was just flushing out stomach acid. You know how much it burns coming up when you throw up... well imagine it coming out the other end.. over and over and over. They don't put you out completely through the procedure. But you get slight amnesia from the sedation. I actually felt the pain. Not the pain of the tube going in... but I could feel it moving through me. Next thing I know, I'm back in the recovery room. And it's true, amnesia started to set in... because I really don't remember much else. When I came home, I was so out of it. I tried to eat, but threw it up. Then knocked out for 10hrs. I went just about 3 days without eating. I felt so weak this morning. It feels like I did about 200 sit ups last night. It hurts when I walk. The only thing that I got out of this procedure was, I need to eat more fiber. The doc didn't find anything. He suggested that if I eat more fiber, my bowels will move smoother. The pains I've been having are probably scar tissues. when my bowels are moving through my intestines, it's pulling on the scar tissues. This sucks.

here's whats left of the vw bug

2006-08-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

Poor Gerry...

poor little '69 vw bug

2006-08-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe i forgot to mention what happened today!? Gerry's little '69 VW bug caught on fire in the parking lot of Walmart! i only wished I had my camera with me to catch it all. Gerry and I were just leaving Walmart. We took seperate cars because Gerry just got off work and met me at Walmart. Well, I packed our stuff into my truck and I headed home. 4 mins later I get a call from Gerry telling me to turn around... his car was on fire. I'm like..."for real?" I just got onto the freeway so I had to drive down to the next exit and turn around. I told him he needed to call 911. All sorts of thoughts were running through my mind. Just my luck, i hit all red lights on the way back! when I got back to the exit where Walmart was... I saw in the parking lot a puff of black smoke. I'm thinking... this little car is a ball of fire. By the time i pull up into the parking lot, i see a fire truck and the figher fighter hosing down the bug. Theres Gerry... with this sad look on his face watching his little bug go down. I missed out on the flames. The car was smoking and dripping with water. The fire fighter was hosing down the inside of the car. Actually... the fire damage isn't as bad as the water damage. But the engine is shot. it was a good thing I put the stuff we bought from walmart into my car.. or else we would have lost everything! i wonder if Walmart would have given our money back. maybe i can get a picture of the bug tomorrow. =)

GI doctor visit

2006-08-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I went to see the GI doctor. He wants to do a colonoscopy. (for those who don't know what a colonoscopy is... the doctor will sick a camera up my ass and take a bunch of pictures). Sounds fun! =( He thinks it's probably scar tissues around my intestines. I'm not looking forward to this. This will be next week. *sigh* fun.

another ct scan

2006-08-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Well after months of waiting for health insurance, I finally got to see my oncologist. My ca125 is still low (5). I had a ct scan last week. Good news, still no evidence of cancer. bad news... still not sure why i'm having abdomenal pains. My oncologist is referring me to a G.I. doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow. It's just a consultaion, but we'll see where I need to go from there.

I'm also scheduled for jury duty tomorrow. =( I've already postponed it last month because it landed on the date of one of my final exams... so I can't do it again. I'm hoping I don't have to go in. I'll know by tonight. I got out of jury duty 8 yrs ago when I moved out of Wisconsin to California. But the system found me and I got summoned while living in Sacramento. At the time, I wasn't working... really had nothing to do so I was kind of excited about going. I spent 8hrs at the Sacramento Court house in and out of court rooms. Every case they called me into got cancelled before we even entered the court room. One of them was a murder case. The one I finally got a chance to sit in on was a rape case. It took them 2 days to decide on the jury. I didn't get a chance to sit in the chairs. but I did get $15 out of it.

what have i been doing....

2006-07-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

hm... looks like the last time i actually sat down to post something was just about a month ago. doesn't seem that long. you know, all day i think about stuff i want to write about... but when i get home. i go blank. i should carry one of those voice recorders around with me.
My momma's coming this friday! i havent seem my mom since christmas. I can't wait to see her. next week, my dad, my sister and nephew will be here.
I've been working on some funiture pieces. I made my own computer desk. looks really good. I'm impressed it turned out so well. and just finished a little shelf for a friend's bathroom. very cute. i'm thinking of making another for myself.

Just pictures

2006-06-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post some recent pictures.

also, I posted some pictures from Relay for Life at this website:
lindabear76.bravehost.com/relay4life.html

Updates

2006-05-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Wow.. I haven't posted in over a month. Well, things are going great actually. I just finished my last class today. So far my final grades are all A's. *yipee*! I'm waiting on a final grade for just one more class. I've signed up for one class for the summer. But it doesn't start until mid-June. So I get a few weeks of no school.

OH! The police found my car a week after I reported it stolen. You'd think I'd remember to post it. It was stripped. My insurance considered it a total loss. So I turned the car over to them. Oh, it turned out that I did have full coverage on my car. It took a month for them to process the car and determine how much my car was worth. I finally got the check. Which came at a good time because I was about 2 months behind on our bills.

I didn't get to mention before that I started working on campus as campus security. It's a really cool job. One of the more interesting jobs I've had. One draw back about working for the school is we only get paid once a month. So since March, I've only received one paycheck. That wasn't helping any with my bills.

I finally got approved for Medi-Cal. but it came a little too late. I haven't been able to get my Estrogen Patch. It's been 2 weeks without it now. And my hot flashes came rushing back. I'm now in the process of getting back on with Kaiser (the health care provider where my doctors are). Not sure how long that will take. I was supposed to see my oncologist this month, but that'll get pushed back.
why can't the make it easier for people who actually have health problems??? instead they make us wait..

what a friday........

2006-04-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

Could it be any worse? I was having depressing days all week practically. I just don't know why. Mood swings possibly. I just haven't felt any motivation lately. I don't know where that engery I had a few months ago went. On top of everything, my financial situation isn't that great either. Medi-cal is taking FOREVER- I have a feeling I'm not even going to get the medical insurance through Medi-Cal. I'm paying COBRA with the money I don't have. I'm writing checks without money in the bank. My bills are over due, my cell phone is shut off. and today just topped it off. I WAKE UP AND MY CAR'S GONE! Just when we left our other place because Gerry's car was stolen 2 weeks after we moved and to get away from the bad memories of cancer and chemo.... I GET MY CAR STOLEN HERE! WTF! what am I going to do now? For some reason yesterday, I was thinking I wanted to move my car from the spot I was in. But I didn't. Late last night... I heard some loud noise out side... I looked outside and it was just a bunch of black kids in the parking lot. 2am I thought I heard a knock at the door, but I thought.. I'm just hearing things... who'd be knocking at this time of night -and went back to sleep. This morning, like I do every morning, I went to the window to open the blinds and looked out into the parking lot. WHERE'S MY CAR?! I ran outside to the spot where i parked... no glass. I walked around the whole lot -thinking... did I park somewhere else? I even ran to the back of the building where I sometimes parked. IT'S GONE! WHY...WHY WHY!?? of course, I don't have full coverage on my car. I don't have money! I just filled up the gas too! This is deja vous all over again. 2 yrs ago, in another apartment complex... someone stole my car out of the parking lot. During the day. IT WAS ON A FRIDAY TOO! They found that car 4 days later abandoned in another city (Richmond). Bunch of kids took it for a joy ride until it was out of gas (I had just put a full tank of gas in that car too). The only thing they took from that car was my portable cd player and the bobble head dog. Everything else (except a bump on the fender) was untouched. I sold that car the next month. It felt used and abused. I didn't want it any more. I know who ever stoled this car is going to strip it. =( I had some nice rims on it... good stereo system, expensive amp.... *sigh* nothing I can do now.
*hang on.. police is here*
*sigh* all that can be done now is wait... police wrote up their report. Hopefully the car is found soon. How am I going to get around now? I guess it's a good thing its Friday... but it's Easter weekend. I don't think I'll be going anywhere now. I was planning on going to Stockton to visit my brother and his family.

what's next... ?

updated pictures

2006-03-20T16:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of me and Snowball taken March 10, 2006. Look at my hair! it's growing! I haven't got a trim yet. I need to, it's growing uneven. The back and left side is growing faster than the rest of my hair. There's not much I can do to my hair at this point. At one point I thought it was growing curly... but for some reason, it's just a patch of hair that's kind of curly. It's nice and soft though and pretty thick. My hair was thick to begin with, but I think it's just a bit thicker now. It feels VERY healthy. I haven't had soft healthy black hair since... I was a little girl.

This is what I did on my 30th birthday. I got a tatoo! This is an image that I drew out myself. In the center is an image of a cat (my version of Snowball-yes I love my cat). Surrounding her are 30 flowers. Half way through the flowers I started to wish I was 15! There's several meanings behind the reason why I got this tatoo. (1) I wanted to do something that signified what I had gone through last year -surgery, chemo, recovery. (not that my 4inch scar on my belly doesn't do it already) (2) 30 flowers because i'm 30! (3) I told myself if I were to get another tat, I wanted an image of Snowball on me. (4) a turning point in my life -from cancer to turning 30. I'm not sure what my mom will say after she sees it. =)
To my brothers and sister... don't tell mom and dad! hehehe

That paw print you see on my hip, I got that one on my 25th birthday -my first tatoo. Just a month before my 25th birthday, I ran into a situation where I was stranded in LA for a week. I was fortunate enough to pull my resources and ended up jumping house to house each night, not knowing where I was going to sleep the next night. That was quite an experience but I met some great people along the way. This is actually when me and Gerry got together. Gerry and I met through Asian Avenue (www.asianavenue.com) about a year before this. We used to chat online. At that time, I was living in Sacramento and he was living in the Bay. The weekend I was stuck in LA, I saw him online and mentioned to him about my situation. Gerry was on his way down to Santa Barbara with his brothers for a weekend and offered if I could find my way to Santa Barbara that he'd drive me back to Sacramento. Well, on the way up to the Bay, sparks flew -we hit it off right away. I decided to stay in the Bay for awhile before heading back to Sacramento. 1 week led to a month.. then 6 months, to a year. 5 years went by and I'm still here!

Cancer-versary

2006-03-18T21:21:00.000-08:00

1 year ago today... I was lying on the operating table. The surgeon came downstairs to tell my mom and Gerry... it was cancer. Thinking back on all I went through... it's surreal. I don't remember a whole lot. It seems like I went through the whole thing with my eyes closed -just waiting for it to be all over. I was very blessed that I didn't have any complications through the surgery, chemo, or the recovery from both.

What's been hard for me right now is trying to get back to regular life. It's been so frustrating not being able to do what I used to do, not being comfortable in my new body. I still don't like looking at myself in the mirror. Even though my hair is growing, it's not growing fast enough. My eye lashes are still short. There are times when I feel like life is getting too hard, overwhelming ... I just want to curl up and cry. I hate that I feel this way. Is this a normal post chemo feeling?

Sometimes, I feel like just because I'm done with chemo and I look normal... everyone is expecting me to be normal. And when I tell people how hard life feels overwhelming, they look at me like I'm making it up, like I should be Ok by now.
I have to remind myself every day... that it's going to take time.

Gerry and I spent the day at the Oakland Art Museum, took a walk around Jack London Square and finished the day with dinner at a Thai restaurant. The weather was nice, clear blue sky. Great weekened to be out.

Here's to another year.

The big three-Oh

2006-02-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

Today is my 30th birthday! Wow... I never imagined this day would come. I can't believe how fast these years have gone. I miss the 20s already!! I don't have much planned for today. I have school today. I was thinking of skipping it, but... I really don't want to risk falling behind. Even if it's only a day. A few years ago when I tried college for the first time, I would have skipped (actually I skipped a lot! -guess that's another reason why I never graduated) but I now know how much a day can set you back. Atleast my 3 classes today are in the morning. I'll be done by 1. I actually made it to school 30 mins early today.
For the past few weeks, I've been late to my 8am class. Today... I made it REALLY early. Sucks the class ended up being cancelled!!! I could have slept in! What a way to start my birthday. Well, I could look at the bright side (even though its cold and rainy today! =\ ), it gave me a chance to write an entry for today.

I know, I haven't been writing much. I appologize to the ones who check up on me on a regular basis. Let me sum up what's been going on since the last post:

I started school. I think I may have over booked myself with classes. I have 5 classes. It's really wearing me down. I should have gone part time first, rather than jump right in as a full time student. What's really killing me is that I have 3 computer classes: Photoshop, Dreamweaver, and Flash. It's been hard trying to put so many hours into each class for projects (especially when the assignments are due in the same week). With those classes plus the other 2 classes, I bearly have time to relax. I get pretty tired by the end of the day.

Gerry and I just moved over the weekend (again). We've moved every year so far. We really like this place. It's a one bedroom loft. It's pretty cool. I don't know if you know what lofts are like, but the building we're in, it has a mini mall and grocery store on the first floor. They converted the second and 3rd story of this building into lofts. We have concrete floors and the ceiling is about 15ft high, with really big warehouse type windows. I've always wanted to live in a loft. It's been a dream of mine. It's not the exact one I've been dreaming about, but it's a step closer. Gerry and I are excited about this move. It'll give us a fresh start on life. When we moved into our old place, I had just been diagnosed with cancer. I spent the entire year we lived there recovering from surgery and chemo. Now that things are going good with my health, we can leave that bad memory behind with the old apartment and start fresh... cancer free.

OH! look at the time, I need to get to my next class.

I'm not a mutant!

2006-01-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

Today I got the results back from my genetic test. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I did the test. Well let me sum it up: Back in December my gyn onc recommended I take a genetic test BRCA1 & 2. I saw a genetic counselor who explained to me what is involved with this test. This test analyzes specific genes for genetic changes called mutations. If I test positive for this mutated gene, I am at a higher risk of also getting Breast cancer. Since I got Ovarian cancer at such a young age and there's no known history of cancer in my family, there was a possibility that I carried this mutated gene. Pretty scary stuff.

So the test results came in today and it came back: NO MUTATION DETECTED. *Yay!* That is such a relief to know I don't carry this mutated gene. Well, actually... it's none DETECTED. The fine print says there's still a chance that there is a mutation that current technology cannot detect. In which case, I have to keep up on the newest research on genetic testings.

2006!

2006-01-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

I can't beieve it's 2oo6already! 2oo5 was a blur. l don't remember much that year.. I spent more than half the time in bed. January is when my symptoms started to really bother me. february, I couldn't eat much any more. I had my 29th birthday. Then finally went to the doctor. March, thetumor was found and removed. The entire summer was chemo. September - the end of the year trying to recover from chemo.

I'm looking forward to 2006. I have alot going on this year. The biggest thing is school. I turn30 this year! wow... the big 3-0. I'm not sure what I'm going to do on my birthday... Cry? :) lol
Man I'm getting old.

Back to school

2006-01-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

Last friday was my last day at work. Thank God I'm out of there. It was about time I left. Now I could put the Crescent drama behind me. They threw me a little going away party. It was cool. I got a few gift cards and some cash (already used the cash to buy my books). My first class starts next Tuesday! I'm excited and scared. It's been 8yrs since I've been out of school. I'm not sure what to expect this time around. I'm older, more mature, I've done this before. It should be ok, right? I wont make the same mistake as I did when I tried college the first time around.

Last week at work

2006-01-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

This is my last week at work. I'm excited!! I start school Jan. 17. I gave myself 1 week vacation before I start school. Actually, I need to look for a part-time job. I still have to do a few other things before school starts. I need to make sure I'm eligible for Medi-Cal. Can't go without medical insurance.

I had a great Christmas vacation. It was so nice to be around family again. I got to meet my new nephew, Elijah. He's so adorable! But everyone went home already. Monique and Nicholas just left yesterday. My mom, dad, Jack and Xuan left Friday. I'm not sure when I'll see everyone again. =( Hopefully before next Christmas.

Me and Gerry

2005-12-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

As shown in my previous post, Gerry proposed on Dec. 11, 2005! I didn't get a chance to write about it because i was still in shock. Figured the picture said enough. Gerry surprised me at our Holiday dinner that he set up with our friends and family. Apparently, everyone else knew what was going to happen but me. What a surprise! No date has been set yet.

Christmas 2005

2005-12-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

The family is getting bigger! The color picture was taken Dec. 25, 2000 -the black n white on Dec. 25, 2005.

Drew Foundation

2005-12-22T01:33:00.000-08:00

Everyone, watch this on Christmas. I met this guy over the weekend at one of my support groups. He's got an interesting story.
:: DatelineNBC has confirmed it will be broadcasting Eric Drew's story THIS Sunday, December 25th, (Christmas Day!) Check your local listings for the exact time. ::
..."Eric’s miracle survival after 5 leukemia treatments (including a bone marrow transplant and a chord blood stem cell transplant) along with his stunning capture of a medical worker stealing his identity while undergoing treatment would not have been possible without the selfless dedication of the world community. (Eric is the first and only person to seek and force a federal criminal conviction for Identity Theft under the new federal HIPAA statutes.)..."
www.drewfoundation.org

OMG!

2005-12-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

(happy birthday mom!)

The holidays are here

2005-12-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

Not much to update. I've just been busy with work. I've increased my hours to 6hrs now (I did a full 8 hr today). I forget... did I mention I was quitting my job come January to return back to school? I've been working on this for about a month now. Just getting myself enrolled, applying for financial aid, applying for Medi-Cal (medical insurance for the non californians, since I won't have the medical benefits from work anymore).

I can't believe how fast the end of the year is coming up. There's alot of holiday parties coming up. I just had one with one of my cancer support groups. We had dinner at Hometown Buffet. It was a big gathering of other cancer survivors. A lot of people I've never seen before. It was fun. No young people showed though. This weekend is the holiday dinner for work. December 18 is the holiday party for the young adult support group (HYA). -Did I write about them before? I forget... I can't remember what I've written about.

December 22, Monique and Nicholas (my sister and nephew) fly in. December 23, Mom, Dad, Jack, Xuan and Elijah (brothe, sister-in-law and nephew) fly in. This is going to be a great Christmas!! Everyone is flying here this year. We're going to all gather in Stockon at John's house (brother). I haven't seen my Jack and Monique since last Christmas. I'm excited!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T23:44:00.000-08:00

Wow.. I haven't ate this much in..... a year! Thanksgiving is the one day you can eat non-stop, from morning til you go to bed. Oddly... I'm still hungry. I better find a way to work off this food this weekend. This long weekend I'm spending it at my brother's in Stockton. Hanging out with the kids. I think I'm getting sick though... =( The kids are sick... I think it's rubbing off on me. My throat is irritated. *ack*

I'm so happy this is a 4 day weekend!! Yipee!

GYN ONC

2005-11-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

I saw the gyn onc today. It well fairly well. The doctor is super nice... and young. What sucked was having to do another internal exam. IT HURTS! He put me on an estrogen patch to help with the hot flashes and my extra hair growth... did i mention before that although my hair has started to grow.. it's grown all over the place (my cheeks)?! Well, lack of estrogen will do that. I'm hoping it'll balance my emotional state too. He also recommended a genetic test (BRCA), women who test positive for BRCA mutations are at a higher risk for breast cancer. He also recommended that I see both doctors every 6 months. so that I'm seen by atleast one doctor every 3 months. That works out better... I get 2 people keeping an eye on me rather than one.

So that's that for now. I have to get ready for a dinner tonight. I found a young adult support group in the area and they're having a pre-thanksgiving dinner tonight. Should be fun.

Results

2005-11-15T22:25:00.000-08:00

Good news, it's not cancer! All tests came back negative for recurrance. What a relief. Next stop, back to my primary. I'm still having the bloating, tight feeling in my abdomin so my oncologist is handing me over to someone else. Since it's not cancer related, it's out of his hands. I got the report from that last CT scan and found what they really saw: Duodenal wall thickening, possible duodenitis. Its a G.I. thing. The reason for the ultra sound was because there was a soft tissue density mass in the pelvis, but that turned out to be nothing.

Tomorrow, I get to see a Gynecological Oncologist. Not sure what to expect. But I was told it's better to be followed by a gyn onc.

My poor bladder

2005-11-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had the pelvic ultra sound. Let me tell you how it went. An hour and a half before the appointment, they have you drink 32oz of water and you're supposed to hold it in your bladder until after the ultra sound. That's a lot of water to hold! A half hour before my appointment I can already feel I need to pee pretty bad. So I'm rushing to the hospital. By the time I get there, I'm in pain from the pressure of my bladder. (I'm going there because of my pelvic pains... this isn't making it any better!!) Just walking from the parking lot into the hospital I'm limping. Each minute that goes by the pain is getting worse. I'm thinking, any minute now, I'm going to pee on myself! I get to the radiology department and tell the lady behind the desk how badly I need to pee and how much it hurts trying to hold it. She tells me, "Ok, you need to get registered first then I'll ask the tech how much longer it is til it's your turn." There was 3 other people ahead of me! I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand. 10 mins goes by and I still haven't heard my name, so I walk up to the desk again. I told the lady.. "I'm going to pee on myself any minute here!" So she started to register me. As I'm standing there, I'm hopping and dancing around.. doing the "pee-pee dance". The pain was just getting worse. Tears started streaming out of my eyes. The ultra sound tech was just behind her, so she said it was my turn and she'll try to get it done as fast as possible. She walks me down the hall and I'm hobbling along, crouched over, with tears still running down my face. I could bearly get myself up on the table. While she was doing the ultra sound, she was pressing on my bladder. I start to clench up because of the pain. I'm still crying. The tech was looking at my bladder and was like.."Oh yeah, you did real good on your bladder." -NO SHIT! I'm about to explode! So she's looking around my pelvic and taking pictures. Then asks me if I knew what she was supposed to be looking for. Shouldn't she have known that before I got there?? Come on lady, do your job! I told her that there was something in the CT scan that they were unsure of and wanted a second look with the ultra sound. So the lady said she need to step out to read my ct report. Before she leaves she asks me if I'll be OK. I'm about to pee on myself, -No, I don't think I'll be ok. I said to her I hoped she was a speed reader. Finally she came back, took a few more looks around my pelvis and told me I could finally pee. I swear I was on the toilet for a good 5 minutes. After I was done, I came back to the room and layed back down. I was in so much relief I wanted to curl up and go to sleep. What a horrible experience.

Look! my hair is growing!

2005-11-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

Halloweenie

2005-11-05T23:10:00.000-08:00

Guess I should have posted on Halloween. But here is a picture of our halloween costume.

10/29/2005

Here's a picture taken at work on Halloween

(I'm the with the ukulele if you didn't know)

Results

2005-10-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today I saw Dr. Goodman for the results of my CT scan. Good news! He's pretty sure it's not cancer (yeah, i heard that one before). My ca125 is 5... still normal. My blood counts and kidneys and those other blood functions are fine. But the results of the CT scan shows abdomenal wall thickening and possible swelling of the small intestine (some technical name that starts with a "d" that I don't remember). This is the result of the surgery. Radiology suggested I also get an ultra sound. Not quite sure what they're looking for. So that'll be coming up in the next 2 weeks or so.
It sucks, to get rid of one problem (removal of the tumor) you end up with a WHOLE other problem (scar tissues = abdomenal problems). And if it's scar tissues that's causing the pains and discomforts... there's basically nothing you can do. If they go in and remove the scar tissues, that just causes even MORE scar tissues. So basically, you just have to get used to this new feeling of discomfort in your life. =(

I also requested to have a follow up with a Gynocological Oncologist (an oncologist who deals specifically with female cancers). Not sure when that's going to happen yet. But I've been told it's HIGHLY recommended to be followed by a GYN ONC. Which makes sense.

Can you believe there's only 2 more months til the end of the year??

CT scan today

2005-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Today I'm scheduled for a CT scan. *holds breath*

Next thursday I have an appointment with Dr. Goodman to discuss the results of the blood tests and CT scan.
..............................................

it just occured to me.. that this will be my first scan alone. Gerry can't get off work to be there with me. He's just able to drop me off. =( How am I going to down 2 bottles of barrium alone?! The last 2 times, I had Gerry there to cheer me on. For those of you who've had these barrium smoothies know how hard it is to drink it. *ack*!!

i'll update again later...

Update

2005-10-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

Hm... It looks like it's been 2 weeks since my last post. I better get an update on what's been going on in my life.

Oct. 3, after about 7 months of medical leave, I returned to work. I tried a full 8 hour, but was burnt out by the end of the day. So I decided to work half days until I feel I'm ready for more. It's been pretty hard to get myself back into work. It's harder than I thought it would be. Mentally, emotionally, physically.

John (my brother) made it out of surgery and is doing fine. (He had his gallbladder removed which was something that had been giving him problems the past year). That's one less thing to worry about.

I got a chance to see my mom!! She had a chance to fly out here to be with John during his surgery. It was so great to see my mom again. To taste her cooking again. Just to have her near by... it's always nice to have mom by your side when you're not feeling good.

I got the results from my blood test (ca125). It was a 4. Which is GREAT (was 467 at time of surgery, dropped down to 5 at last chemo). But Dr. Goodman (oncologist) wants me to do it again tomorrow. Plus, he scheduled me in for a CT scan. I know this is the only way to get this "what if" that's been hanging around out of the way. It's driving me crazy! It hasn't been 3 months since my last chemo and I'm already running back to my doctor.

Right now, I'm not feeling too well. I think I'm catching something... cold? flu? ... or just allergies. But usually my allergies turn into a cold. Either one... I can't afford to get sick!! My throat's been itchy. I feel so tired, exhausted... I didn't go into work today.

Feels like 7 months ago, my life was put on hold the day I went into surgery. Oct. 3, it started back up again. It kinda feels like I've been abducted -probed, organs removed, poisoned -then put back on Earth. Now I'm expected to live life as normal. I'm standing here confused. It feels like a dream. Sometimes, I think to myself... was it all a dream? Did it really happen? Then I look down and see my scar on my belly... I look in the mirror... and realize, it wasn't.

I think I'm stressing myself out with trying to deal with so many things going on in my life all at once. I don't remember when my life felt so caotic. I just have to remind myself to deal with one thing at a time, or else I'm going to drive myself crazy. Sounds easier than it is.

my doctor's appointment

2005-09-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I saw Dr. Young today (my ob/gyn) and told him about my concerns regarding my stomach pains. The reason why I went to see Dr. Young instead of Dr. Goodman (my oncologist) was because I was due for a follow up from the surgery -so figured I'd take it up with Dr. Young so I wouldn't have to make two appointments. I guess this is why it would be good to have a gynocological oncologist. Dr. Young checked me over, he said he doesn't see anything wrong. He had me take another ca125 blood test just to see where my cancer marker is at (last tested it was at 5,which is GREAT). He told me if my stomach doesn't feel any better in another 2 weeks to call him back, then he'll schedule me for a ct scan. He also mentioned that these pains could be from scar tissues, in that case... not much he can do. =(

I'll get the results of the blood test next week.... .

So much emotions... what do i do?

2005-09-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've got so many things running through my mind right now. I don't know how to deal with them. I feel so emotional. I broke down and cried yesterday. I'm not a crier. I didn't even cry when I was told I had cancer. Are my hormones all out of wack? I spoke to my sister yesterday and she reminded me that I don't have to be strong all the time. I don't even know why I'm crying. I'm trying to figure it out.. but the more I think about it .. the more I want to cry. *confused*

Is this what happens to people with surgical menopause? I heard that you get mood swings and stuff like that. Lately, little things are irritating me. I don't know if its surgery/cancer/chemo or it's just me? Stuff that I had been able deal with and blow off before... it's eating at me now. I think I'm stressing myself out.

Recently I found out that someone I was close to at one time took his own life 10months ago. I'm not sure why I can't seem to fully process this? Maybe what's making this hard is that his wife told me that a few weeks before his death, he mentioned me. Why is it lingering around in my mind? I know it wasn't my fault.. or even have anything to do with it. But why does it feel like it's weighing my heart down? I haven't experienced many close deaths in my life. two that I can remember.. a friend who was murdered by Jeffery Damher. and one last year, she wasn't that close to me, (but very close to my friends and family).. her death was a car jacking gone wrong.
So what I'm feeling is probably normal.... just a process of grief?

Right now, I'm also scared of my cancer coming back. The reason I'm having doubts is because I've been feeling some symptoms coming back. Mainly the tightness in my stomach. I can't tell if its just something I ate... or something serious. I made an appointment to have it looked at tomorrow. *wish me luck*

What I want to know is, if you other OVCA ladies out there have experienced the same thing?

I'm not even sure how to begin talking to anyone about all of this. Maybe this is why I'm writing it. One way of releasing it..... but it doesn't give me answers.

The countdown has begun

2005-09-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

4 more days until I return to work. Wow... I can't believe it's that time already. When I return to work, it'll be like starting a new job again. Plus just about half of the employees have quit since I've been gone, so there's a whole bunch of new people I don't know. I've been on medical leave for about 7 months now. I've gotten used to not working. Alot of people are asking if I'm ready for this. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I guess we'll just have to find out. I just want my life to be normal again.

7 weeks after chemo, this is where I'm at:

Bad stuff:

numb fingertips and toes
most numbness in right hand
nail discoloration and ripples along nails
stiff muscles = worst in the mornings, mainly in legs
eye lashes and eye brows seem to still fall out
eyes can't focus at times
still waking up in the middle of the night -night sweats, needing to pee
hot flashes still bother me, but not as bad as before, but it does drain the energy out of me for a bit -i'll feel light headed and dizzy for a short time

Good stuff:

some fuzz growing back: arms, knuckles, pubic, head (the only hair I want back is the hair on my head. I could care less for the rest -you women know what i'm talking about- )
able to walk up stairs with less pain
taste buds are back!! I can eat again!
sleeping almost through the night (used to wake up atleast 3 times a night, now just once or twice)

my aching back

2005-09-26T19:24:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, I went to a women health fair in walnut creek. I went there to help out manning the NOCC (National Ovarian Cancer Coalition) table. It was a good experience for me. I was able to talk to alot of women about ovarian cancer and my experiences with it. All of the women were surprised that I was so young. But I told them that I've met younger and that it seems like ovarian cancer is no longer just for old women. I'm looking forward to doing something like that again.

While I was there at the health fair, I got a free spinal check. I've been having back pain for quite sometime now (maybe since highschool). So I figured, since I'm trying to be intuned to my body, I should get my back check out to see why my back is hurting so much. Plus it's FREE. and I like free. It turns out my spine is off pretty bad. I learned that chiropractic can help with immune system, blood flow, and get rid of this pain in my neck and shoulders. Well, my health insurance doesn't cover chiropractic. But I found out that there is this chiropractic college here in Hayward (Life Chiropractic College West). Someone told me that if there's a school, there's gotta be a need for "models" for the students to practice on (like a beauty school needs hair models). So I went to their website to try to find some information on this. This school actually has a health center right inside the college. They call it a learning facility. Kinda reminds me of House MD. I called them and had my first exam today. What happens is, I'm assigned an intern who will be my primary care, and he'll consult with the real doctors there about my case. This is so much cheaper than going to a real office. Plus there's more than one person taking care of me.

I'm actually excited about this. I'm finally going to get rid of this pain in my neck! And it should increase my recovery time.

My new wig

2005-09-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

Last week I posted about how expensive wigs were. I went to this seminar on "how to live with Ovarian Cancer" at the Wellness Community last friday. I met someone who told me that there are a bunch of salons that work with ACS (American Cancer Society) and sell wigs for very cheap (under $80) or if you get a wig from ACS they will fix it/restyle it for free. So I call up ACS and spoke to a very nice woman (Pam) who gave me a list of salons in my area.
See, back when I was losing my hair, I called ACS and ended up speaking the the wrong people. Not so helpful/rude people. They couldn't tell me where I could find wig banks in my area. Then I was redirected to someone else, who didn't get back to me until 3 weeks later. (I wish I had spoken to Pam back then.) I was so frustrated. That's why I settled and ended up going to Anita's which charged me up the ass for just ONE wig ($280). Well thanks to Pam, I found a place here in Fremont that really works with you and cancer patients (Almost Hair Unlimited). The woman that worked on my hair (Lindsey) was so nice. I went there hoping they could fix a wig I got from ACS. She was going to work on the wig, but then sugguested I go with human hair. I mentioned to her that I was told human hair was very expensive ($800+). She told me that's true but since they are with ACS, they give discounts to cancer patients. Now that's that I want to hear! She showed me a few wigs and I found one that I liked. But to make this wig even better... not only was it human hair, but it was FREE!! She told me that they were a wig bank, so they receive donated wigs and all donated wigs are free to cancer patients. All she charged me for was the shampooing and hair cut, which was only $15. At Anita's that stylist (Mark Wise) didn't even sugguest anything. I was alone and nervous... and he didn't even seem to want to help me. Still he charged me full price. I told Pam at ACS that they should look into Anita's.. because they were listed as "discounted wigs". I suppose compaired to $800... but I found out the hard way that there ARE salons out there who REALLY work with ACS. I told Lindsey about Anita's and she said that was pretty ridiculous that they are part of ACS and charge so much for their services.

So, for anyone in the Bay Area who's going through chemo or knows anyone who has cancer and needs a great and an affordable wig, call up
Almost Hair Unlimited
(510) 713-9447

This is the wig I got for FREE.
Human hair -or Chinese human hair as the stylist called it. Why's it gotta be Chinese? =)
It's black with red high lights. It looks mainly red here, but i think it's the tint in the picture. It's really cute. It's more "me" than the other wig.
It's funny, I like this wig, which was free, more than the wig I paid $280 for ( it's synthetic). I want my money back! Well, it was my co-workers combined money... but still.

Here is the first wig I bought. Plain black synthetic hair. I think I chose this one because I wanted to play it safe. I was alone and the guy wasn't trying to help me out. He was an old man, so I guess I shouldn't expect him to understand that I'm not old and I wanted a hair style that makes me look young (not an old lady as his normal clients).

*sigh* This is when I had hair... you know, back then I used to complain about my hair... how I didn't like it, it was too thick... now, I take it all back!!

I know, it'll grow back..blah blah blah. you don't realize how important your hair is until you lose it. I'm sure those of you who's gone through chemo, or lost their hair from other health issues know what I mean. It's one thing to cut your hair or shave your head because you wanted to. But when there's nothing you can do to stop it from falling out, that's hard to deal with at times. I'm getting so sick of covering my head with stuff (bandanas, hats, wigs). But I'm not ready to go camando just yet. I tried the other day... made it to the mall enterance and chickened out. My head is pretty bald... like you can see my scalp and maybe 20 stubble hairs on the top of my head. Maybe when more hair starts to grow back, I'll be able to do it.

I was at the mall the other day, I was wearing my bandana... and some guy working at the food court (maybe late teens, early 20s) asked if I was a skater chick. I thought that was pretty funny.

Dancing with dolphins

2005-09-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite dolphin picture. I got to dance with this dolphin. Dolphins are so intelligent. They have their own personalities and they take commands so well. They remind me of dogs. They get happy when they see their trainers. They love the attention.

Wish I had a dolphin as a pet.

pictures from San Diego

2005-09-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, I finally got the pictures posted from my San Diego vacation:

Pictures from the plane, Balboa Park, and a few shots of the Mexican border

Pictures at the beaches: Ocean Beach, Mission Beach, La Jolla, and Pacific Beach

Pictures at SeaWorld... LOOK AT ME WITH THE DOLPHIN!

why are wigs so expensive??

2005-09-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

Why do they gotta make wigs so expensive??? I went out to a wig shop today, hoping to get another wig. (I'm going clubbing this weekend and my current wig just isn't...clubbish). Although these wigs I saw today cost half of what I paid for my first one... $150 is still way expensive for fake hair (image how much I paid for my first wig)! It's not like I chose to be bald. Why can't they have a seperate price for people who had no say on their hair falling out. It's bad enough that I have cancer and every hair on my body fell off, and to top it off -I'm not working. How does one afford such a thing? I know, I heard you can get it written off on your taxes, or get reimburssed by your insurance. But that's just so complicated. I want a discount NOW. You know, the first salon I went to for my first wig, I heard about this guy at this salon in Livermore (Anita's) who's been working with cancer patients for like years. Being that he works with cancer patients, I thought there'd be a special discount for us. I was wrong. I went in there with a few hundred dollars thinking I'll be coming home with a few differnt styles. Came out with just one wig and a big hole in my pocket. I didn't even have enough money after to buy this scalp shampoo I like (Nioxin).

I did get a free one from the Amer. Cancer Society before my hair fell out... I don't know if you've ever seen the wigs they have... they were not meant for anyone under 40 yrs old. I did find one with an auburn color but when I wear it, it looks like I just woke up (bed head) -not cool.

OH, and while I was at the salon, I walked around looking at wigs for a good 20mins, waiting for someone to help me. Instead they were with 2 other customers who had hair! they didn't even acknowlege me in the store. I just walked out.
for all of this, I draw on my angry eyebrows.

Still learning

2005-09-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Bear with me. You'll see some changes happening to my page. I'm still trying to figure out how to use this site. adding images is still a mystery to me. I figured out how to use Hello, but i'm thinking there's gotta be a better way to insert pictures. I'm seeing it in other people's bloggs.
I just realized that my comment setting was set so that only blogger memebers were the only ones that could leave comments. I changed that setting so that everyone can leave comments (that was one thing that my other page lacked). I don't want people to have to sign up just to enjoy my page. I know I wouldn't.

If anyone has tips on how to use blogger.com, please share!

2005-09-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

The perfect way to end a day. La Jolla, CA 9-11-05

2005-09-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

Here I am kissing a dolphin at Sea World 9-11-05

Another beautiful day

2005-09-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Today was just perfect. I got to swim with dolphins!! Gerry and I went back to Sea World today. (we bought a delux ticket the last time we went, which gave us another day to come back for free). It was SO worth the money. Dolphins are so intelligent. I got to hug and kiss the dolphin. =) it was so GREAT! I even learned a few hand signals for the dolphin to do some tricks. I think I had a big smile throughout the whole thing. =D The weather was perfect as usual. Sunny, 74 degrees, with no clouds in site. The water wasn't so bad either. It was cold for the first 3 minutes, then the wet suite kicked in and the water seemed pretty warm. After SeaWorld, we drove out to La Jolla. We got dinner to go, found a spot along the coast and watched the sunset. Breath taking! I got great pictures. When I get home, I'll get all the pictures from San Diego posted. Probably on Yahoo! photos. We drove down to the border yesterday. It was so cool. hehehe yeah, I find it fasinating to be near the Mexico border. You know, there's a great outlet mall right along the border! I don't have a passport, so I can't go across the border. One day I will. Well, maybe not to Tijuana. I heard some crazy stories about that city. We're going to head back down there again tomorrow before we return the car. This is our last night here. We're going back to the Bay tomorrow. It's been 5days already. We did alot here in San Diego.

As much as I love this city... I miss Snowball so much!

My first post

2005-09-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, my other journal has taken it's beating. It was getting too many hits and it's shutting down each day. So here I am at a "real" blogging site. I guess I should have started this earlier.
check out my original journal at: http://www.geocities.com/imma_princess/ovca.html

It's 9:30am, sitting at the Ramada Limited Sea World in sunny San Diego. My vacation is going well. My legs took a beating yeterday after a day at Sea World. Today we're heading out to Seaport Village, Balboa Park and driving down to the border. It's cloudy today, but the temperature is still nice.
Well it looks like it's time to head out again. Just wanted to add my first post before I leave. I'll try to add pictures as soon as I can figure out how this works.